I feel stuck lately. I dont think im ready to be with someone, the resistence I have to letting go and trusting turns my attempt at opening my heart to someone else into a painful obstacle. Something is just off. I'm deeply uncomfortable in this situation. So what now?
Its like...should I push through or just give up? Should I even have to "push" through to begin with when it comes to love? Or is it a necessary step that will lead to something positive? Maybe now is just not the right time? ...Maybe hes not the right person? Who knows...So much pressure.
So many questions. This is taking over my mind, and I don't like that a relationship is distracting me from all the other great things I am blessed with. I know Im lucky but I cannot seem to truly feel that right now.
I cannot seem to let go of my insecurities and just BE, and enjoy the moment. It makes me want to hide under a rock and not move forward. Im feeling very negative right now.
Every situation I find myself in I use as an attack against myself as evidence of my unworthiness, theres just no winning with the beliefs I have about myself. I think im being over dramatic right now, but its how I feel, and the last thing I need is to start criticising myself for feeling low because i "should" be better than that. Yeah I feel bad right now, SO BE IT.
I feel a very deep sadness in the pit of my stomach and I honestly am not sure what to do in this moment, so Im writting this.
I feel like I am flailing. There is this INTENSE desire to just LET. GO. It is such a deeeeep deep yearning to just let go. Despite this desire, I still feel like im trapped in the cage that is my mind, frozen in fear, wanting soo badly to break free.
But you know what, I just had a moment...as im writting this I realise, that fire inside of me is what is going to push me forward, without it I have no reason to grow. SO BRING THE PAIN, I will be just fine :) I am a f******* warrior!!!!
I gotta respect my path, stop comparing myself to people, and live for ME, because after all, I am another YOU! I want to be a positive source of energy for the world, Mother Earth needs it :)
As for the boy...well, as of right now I will stop over analysing it in my head because we all know where that gets you...NOWHEERE!!! AND BACK AGAIN!!!! AND NOWHERE! AND BACK AGAIN! hahahha. Trust in life, trust in myself, understand with patience and love. And so I continue my walk...that sometimes feels more like a crawl... Damn i love this site haha.
....Funny how this blog post litterally captures a moment of my 180 mood change haha :P
SO, to continue on the bright side of things:
-I am so very grateful for this job im going to be starting in July as a camp counselor, gonna be sleeping there during the week. Ill be responsible for planning lots of activities of various sorts. I am actually really looking forward to this job because being at this camp for these kids is their whole summer! That being said, its more than just a job. Im going to pour my heart and soul into these little activities, I want to positively influence these kids and give them some amazing memories, they are our future :)
-I am eternally grateful for this guy that I'm having difficulty opening up to because, despite the fact that Im kind of going through this internal battle, hes honestly an AMAZING person. He is such an honest, kind hearted person it never ceases to amaze me, and he is so patient and understanding with me, sometimes its hard for me to accept, but he is truly something else and I am grateful to have ever even known him, its funny because hes someone that ive known for a very long time and hes actually been a very positive influence in my life.
- I will always be eternally grateful for my mom, even though sometimes I dont always show it cause i live with her and it can get annoying. I will make a conscious effort to show my appreciation more. Maybe iwill make her a cute little note or something :P
- I love my sister to death. She is my an amazing person as well. Honestly when i think of how accepting, loving, caring, and just overall amazing she is, the most fitting word that comes to mind to describe her is that she is quite litterally an angel to me, a godsend. I love her.
- Something that I will also forever appreciate with everything in me is my music. I connect to it on such a deep level whatever mood I am feeling, it is there. Specifically the bands Tool and Isis, words cannot describe the ways in which this music speaks out to me.
THAT IS ALL. :) Peace ;P