What do I love? I mean really really love? I get all squirrely about things, albeit less these days, but the truth is that there just never seems to be an easy flow and way to things. My job is so schizophrenic. Yesterday leaving the house I said to my husband "You see there are just aspects of this job that just make me want to kill myself!" (sarcasm of course) Then two hours later I was talking to a chinese woman at a sushi place who was telling me how badly she was longing to make a "home". She wanted her own home. She missed China and longed for a place of belonging. It took her ten hard years to finally become a citizen. Three of her four children are still in China. She wants to bring them here, to a home. Her face lit up like the fourth of July when I handed her my card and told her i could help her with that. Talk about opposite ends of the spectrum!! Two hours before this I was talking about how many things about this job are so undesirable.
All the while I've been resisting the call of my art supplies. I like dabbling in real estate (of course its hard to find a broker who appreciates my need to just 'dabble') but my inner self says create. My inner being says "if you have a purpose, this is it".
But is that true? Not all of the time! Sometimes I'm happy to be in the lull and allow my art supplies to just sit and percolate. But when that urge comes back its this voice that gets louder and louder until finally I give in and manically create. So there is no consistency. It is those times that I begin to resent my work in real estate. It gets in the way. I want everyone to melt into the background until I am finished this creative urge. I want to stand on the tallest mountain and scream "WILL YOU ALL PLEASE JUST GO THE F' AWAY?!?!?"
This morning I have to be in the office at 11. I want to be here giving birth to something beautiful. How will I manifest wonderful clients if I'm longing to be home, creating?
Squirrely and schizophrenic. I warned you.
So I think I'm going to use one of my journals as a book of positive aspects. When I have to focus on real estate I shall add positive aspects about that. When I am longing to create and yet resisting it I will write positive aspects on that. Hopefully this will strike a balance between the two so that I can be at peace with both of my creations, work and art.
I will let you know how this works. I'm sure it will be the last and final answer to this ongoing struggle. After a lifetime of looking for an answer I'm absolutely SURE this must be it.