Wow time flies..day 87, and feeling better :)

So, I've started working as a hostess at a restaurant temporarily. One thing I've noticed about myself on a much deeper level is my need for acceptance. I constantly need to feel validated. Working my new job has opened my eyes even more to the fact that the acceptance I've been so desperatly seeking ive been looking for in the wrong place. I've placed my happiness in the hands of people who do not truly matter. Constantly trying to fit in worrying what they might think. Its just silly.

What ive failed to realised for so long is that I already have people in my life who do accept me for who I am unconditionally, my family and few close friends, and they are able to see past this weird phase that Im in right now. They truly believe in me, and I am so very grateful for that.

The reason I feel I have been so oblivious to what was right in front of me all this time; what truly matters, is because Ive been perceiving all situations in my life in a way that constantly reinforces the negative beliefs I have about myself. I've started to actually listen, to BELIEVE those who are close to me, and spending time with them more openly is allowing me to understand what it truly means to unconditonally love someone, and to simply have fun! and so I am starting to experience that feeling towards myself more. Instead of comparing myself to others, I compare myself to where I was yesterday and respect where Im at in my life right now. Without self respect how can i possibly live a happy life? Im the only person I cant walk away from, might as well make that relationship a priority right now!

So, I'm taking the power back ;P Not leaving my happiness in the hands of other people. It's funny I conducted a little experiment at work today. When anyone tries to fit in, they tend to have this needy energy that drives people away, so i decided, "Im not gonna care what people think today!", and so I just went about my business not putting any pressure on myself staying centered and aware in the fact that I am responsible for my own happiness...almost instantaneously, people just started approaching me! Being more open with me...the dynamics of energy are so fascinating!