So something happened last Tuesday that I decided I wanted to share. I was at a family reunion/memorial for my grandparents. Both my grandparents changed addresses, or died, this past year and their ashes were being buried near a lake in Ontario were they spent many summers. My uncle asked if I would do a reading in the church the night before the memorial and I immediately felt the fear rise inside me. I tend to ‘fearorize’ quite often. My mind jumps to all the ‘what if’s’ and I have to trash and reprogram quite often. I have uncomfortable feelings that wash over me at seemingly random times and 75% of the time I can stay with the feeling or explore it and transform it. But 15% of the time it’s so uncomfortable that I need to remove myself from the situation. So, when I am faced with being in an unknown situation I have fears of having these feelings and being trapped. For instance, being up at the front of a potentially sweltering church on an August day in front of all my family and feeling so uncomfortable that I would have to leave. I tried to tell myself that if that unlikely event occurred it wouldn’t be a big deal. But that brought up my fear of calling negative attention to myself which is something my mother did all the time. But that’s another story. I told my uncle I would maybe do it and he said he would give the reading to me and let me decide. That evening I got so upset and angry. I felt like fear was getting in my way. If fear wasn’t there did I want to read or would I rather take it all in? I couldn’t even hear what my heart really wanted or what the right thing to do for my grandparents was because there was so much anxiety. I also don’t always speak up for myself and if reading at the church actually wasn’t something I wanted to do, I wanted to be able to voice that. It all seemed so complicated and I felt really alone. I felt as if no one else would understand. If put in my situation they would just do it, or not. The next morning I woke up with so much emotion. I couldn’t stop crying and I still didn’t know what I wanted to do. Luckily my best friend was with me and he was there to listen to my sobs and support me. I am learning to be more gentle and loving with myself and realized I had been beating myself up about all these feelings so I let it go and opened my heart to whatever would happen. I pulled it together for breakfast and kept repeating ‘have faith, it will all work out and you will know what to do.’ I was coming back from breakfast and heading to my room to change when I walked by a table of pictures and other memorabilia from my grandparent’s lives. There was a book of short stories that had been written by high school students in the 30’s. I had never seen it before. I found my granny’s name and turned to her story, ‘The Augmented Seventh.’ It was about a girl who was afraid of singing in front of her class but ultimately learns to let go and something beautiful happens. For real. I started to ball my eyes out. I knew I was supposed to find it. I felt like someone understood how I felt and I knew I wanted to read this story to my family. It hit so many chords with me, especially since music has always been a big part of my life. My aunt had a slide show planned for the evening and had some stories she wanted to read so I asked if I could read granny’s story. The memorial at the church was beautiful and I had a great day with the family. We never did get to the stories for a couple reasons but I felt fine about it. All of my fears when away when I read the story that morning so I was cool with reading it or not reading it. But I would like to share it with you so I’ll make a little video.