I've been thinking of this whole thing(100 day challenge)...and I feel like a failure.
I have these simple simple little practices and I haven't been doing them. I want to know why I haven't been doing them! Can I not just breath in the morning? Is it too hard for me to write for a few minutes!? Is it too hard for me to do a little bit of yoga and meditation!!?
It's not that hard. I am free all day and I choose to fill myself with food and lay by the laptop. I feel like a big rotten piece of furniture. I need to be thrown out. I want this life to be thrown out. I want to say goodbye to this part of me.
Why do I binge eat? 2 days fruit, one day rubbish.
I know how to eat, I know what to eat, I know how to exercise and dance. I know how to do all these wonderful "right" things, but why don't I do them?!
I have tried so many things so many times but never seem to stick to anything.
Persistence is my issue.
What do I do!?
What do I want?
I want to stick to a routine. I want to get up early EVERY day and do my practices.
Why do I want that? Because I believe it is the best thing to do....what if it wasn't the best thing to do? Maybe it's all in my mind?
God my mind is really screwing with me, I feel really confused. As soon as I start writing I become even more confused! None of this seems real. Life is scary.
I want answers. I want clarity. I want to be able to write properly without becoming confused. I want to stick to a plan. I want discipline. I want to exercise everyday. I want to meditate everyday. I want to have a mantra and STICK TO IT! I want to go easy on myself. I want to forgive myself. I want to love myself.
I'll let you know when I do...
I've felt this way many, many times. I haven't officially even started my 100 days but I'm already feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes it's the clutter in our minds that distract us. It's the habits we've formed, even if they are not good habits, that prevent us. Habits are easy that's why they are hard to break. But once you make new habits those new, good habits will be just as hard to break. Take a moment before you start your day, the moment you wake up, ask yourself 'what can I do right now?' Just take it one step at a time. Stay in the moment.
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